Alright, fine. You want Creationism in schools? You want it taught alongside evolution? That's fine. I want Darwinism in church. You want to pass around little stickers beating the deceased "Evolution is a theory" horse into the ground? Fine. I want "God is a theory" stickers on the Bible. You say you simply want two different theories taught so that this country's future can have a solid basis to make their own decisions? Why not start with your own institutions? Why not let kid...

So this came to me in a sudden flurry of inspiration, and I feel rather like Einstein must have when finally, having known about E=M for five months, he discovered a C squared lying harmlessly under the sofa cushions. Anyways: Why is it that I can stop by a liquor store after work (of course I wouldn't, being but a sprite young lad of 20, and college kids don't drink anyways) and buy a bottle of wine, finish it that night, and be lauded as being a sophisticate, but I can't go past the zinf...

Holy crap!!! I've written 50 of these things...and I was so into the last two I was writing, that I didn't even notice! You all do not know how many times I said to myself, your fiftieth article will be about how you are writing your fiftieth article. Well, I blew it. Anyways, just a blanket thanks (thanks blanket for all that you do) to everyone who reads my stuff, wether you love it or hate, or are happily uninvolved. Hopefully I've bridged some gaps, and gotten on mutually respectful...

Link Say you go to a McDonald's drive-thru (although if you've gone this far, you're already a lost cause). You give your order to the wonderfully articulate individual who is on the other end of the loudspeaker. The funny thing is, if you happen to be in Oregon, the loudspeaker guy is in North Dakota! See, North Dakota's minimum wage is about 2 dollars less than Oregons, so McDonald's, God bless it, has decided to outsource jobs there. This marks a great new phase in large corporatio...

Link So there's a judge. And in this judge's courtroom, he sees a mother. This mother happens to be an immigrant. This immigrant mother happens to not speak English. This judge takes the next logical step: threatening to take her child if she does not learn English. Somewhere, the Constitution cries. I am well aware that immigrants should learn English, certainly not for the convenience of the ignorant "In America, we speak English" crowd, but for the higher quality of life that k...

This was written for the soldiers, and for all the people that have loved and lost. Please remember, our troops are not the war, our troops are not the Bush administration, our troops are not an ideology or a strategy or a point of view that you have to protest. Our troops are our family, and they deserve our unconditional love. I had a brother once Inseperable Two for one A package; my moon to his sun My moves to his sound My drinks were his round Any city we were in turned into ou...

Link Imagine the following scenario: Idiot goes to the zoo. Idiot happens on the tiger cage. Idiot climbs fence, approaches tiger exhibit, reaches hand in. Idiot gets bitten. And now, to test for rabies, they might have to kill the tiger, which happens to be one of only 800 left in the world? No. This moron damn well better volunteer himself for the rabies shot, because there is no reason that an animal should die for a person's stupidity. Kill the tiger? Kill the idio...

Doubt Get out Mediocrity spouts The failure's mouth said to keep up the pout The happy frown takes me down to the town where I fell in love with the gown and the sound Graduation robe Trailer hitch takes me there But where? I'm scared I can't breathe your air It's thickening Sand quickening Stare A wall made of eyes Ocean made of spies The sequel Where's its equal, original? Sweet like sugar Downplay aboriginal Dreamtime Scenetime Movie subliminal Market strategy Bulls...

January 22, 2005 Washington, D.C. In light of recent, hastily made comments, Donald Rumsfeld has volunteered to open his world up for a day, hoping to dissuade the popular opinion that he is a crass and unfeeling old man, the likes of which chase little boys off their lawns for disturbing the garden trolls. Mr. Rumsfeld awoke at 9 in the morning, about an hour later than he should have, and shuffled to the dining room in quite a disheveled state. Being late, he did not have time to ...

January 22, 2005 Washington, D.C. In light of recent, hastily made comments, Donald Rumsfeld has volunteered to open his world up for a day, hoping to dissuade the popular opinion that he is a crass and unfeeling old man, the likes of which chase little boys off their lawns for disturbing the garden trolls. Mr. Rumsfeld awoke at 9 in the morning, about an hour later than he should have, and shuffled to the dining room in quite a disheveled state. Being late, he did not have time to ...

I was walking through campus the other day, and I ducked into one of the lecture centers in order to escape the cold. As I had some time to kill, I perused the flyers tacked up to the corkboard, which advertised everything from laptops to apartments to that damn free ipod everyone's all up in arms about. As I was looking, this little gem caught my eye: There had been a meeting organized on campus for people to listen to and/or voice their displeasure with the current war. Although I forget...

My shower is rebel. A happy, healthy shower has that little stick thing that you pull on to make the water go from the faucet to the showerhead. A happy, healthy shower's little stick thing does its job, continues to do its job as you bathe, and then returns to its original resting place when you are finished. My shower no longer wants any part of this. My shower has decided that its little stick thing is no longer going to stay up simply because I wish to bathe. Fine. I can deal with i...

I'm about to explode My insides keep getting towed from side to side by a truck that's about to run off the road When the blind lead the blind how can we ever survive A world where turbulence rewards the sum of turbulent times Why can't you understand that I'll believe what I believe and if you try to contradict me, I've a rabbit up my sleeve and he will take you through the looking glass, and lead you straight to Alice who's been drinking cya-kool-aid from a hemlock-coated chalice ...

I learned something sitting in class today. Not one of those factual things that you're supposed to learn in class, but something of an epiphany that had been waiting to hit me from the time I was in elementary school. Do you remember when you were in grades 1-4, and every time you felt nature calling, you would raise your hand and politely say "Can I go to the bathroom?" And do you remember the response from the teacher coming back as "I don't know, can you?" And do you remember th...

I can't take it anymore. I'm horribly, terribly, incredibly sorry, but I can not take it anymore. Every day, I wake up, and walk around, and hold my tongue, as I listen to person after person after person say that the Bible is this and the Bible is that and we should listen to the Bible because God wrote the Bible or God inspired the Bible or the Bible is God's word and that the Bible should be listened to and obeyed and adhered to without question and blah blah blah blah blah. I cannot...