Tuesday, March 29, 2005 The Vatican In a move that shocked the religious world, God has released Pope John Paul II into the custody of humankind. The move comes following several valiant, but ultimately failed, attempts by God to welcome the pope into His waiting arms. "Look, I'm just tired." God declared in a press conference held earlier today. "I did the Parkinson's, the flu thing, the trouble breathing, everything I could think of. But he just kept coming back with the medicatio...

Tuesday, March 8 2005 Chicago, IL Jerry Falwell has begun pushing an initiative to eliminate the presence of sponges and Brillo Pads from American homes. Coming on the heels of, and indeed inspired by his crusade against the homosexuality of Spongebob Squarepants, this latest stunt has many of Mr. Falwell's critics, and even some of his supporters, claiming that he has finally snapped. "The man's lost it," one high ranking supporter said on condition of anonymity. "I mean, we're just...

I'm gangsta. That's right, I said it. Gangsta. With an A. Not gangster. Not Al Capone. Not Italian. Gangsta. 50 Cent. Gangsta. Gangsta is perhaps the most misused word among people my age that I have ever heard. People just don't understand what it means, or how you have to use it. Am I gangsta? Clearly not, and yet, sadly enough, my previous usage of it was more correct than most, because at least I used the right context. There are two ways that people principally misuse the word ...

March 1, 2005 The Vatican Pope John Paul II shocked the Catholic world today when he lifted the Catholic Church's ancient ban on premarital sex. "We, as Catholics, are at a crossroad, where we must choose to embrace one evil so that it may help us strike down another," the Pope reportedly said. Although reporters could not make sense of the Pope's slurred mumbles, we were quickly reassured by one of his attendants. The Pope elaborated on his landmark decision for about an hour, ...

January 22, 2005 Washington, D.C. In light of recent, hastily made comments, Donald Rumsfeld has volunteered to open his world up for a day, hoping to dissuade the popular opinion that he is a crass and unfeeling old man, the likes of which chase little boys off their lawns for disturbing the garden trolls. Mr. Rumsfeld awoke at 9 in the morning, about an hour later than he should have, and shuffled to the dining room in quite a disheveled state. Being late, he did not have time to ...

I was at work the other night. When I am at work, I find it necessary to ask people whether or not they have a pink coupon in their posession. When I do this, I say the following sentence: "Do you have the pink coupon with you?" Last night, this was the response I received: "This blue one?" THE BLUE ONE?!? ARE YOU STUPID??? Yes, sir, the blue one. Do you have the BLUE PINK COUPON with you? I can understand if people are not aware that they are holding a coupon. Coupon...

So it's Christmas 2004, a time to give, a time to rejoice, a time to take no prisoners. I enter the mall and am immediately surrounded by a throng of tiny human beings, running erratically and waving green bags while larger human beings chase after them yelling "Billy don't break grandma's blender." I do not know the woman, but already, I feel sorry for grandma. I have no time to continue thinking about grandma's plight however, as I am forced to sidestep the child that has ripped itsel...

Ok so I'm hanging out with a friend of mine...and I walk into her room...and the first thing she says is... "So, you want to cream yourself?" So, pray tell, what was she talking about? Any guesses?

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 The Vatican In a move that shocked the religious world, God has released Pope John Paul II into the custody of humankind. The move comes following several valiant, but ultimately failed, attempts by God to welcome the pope into His waiting arms. "Look, I'm just tired." God declared in a press conference held earlier today. "I did the Parkinson's, the flu thing, the trouble breathing, everything I could think of. But he just kept coming back with the medicatio...

Tuesday, March 8 2005 Chicago, IL Jerry Falwell has begun pushing an initiative to eliminate the presence of sponges and Brillo Pads from American homes. Coming on the heels of, and indeed inspired by his crusade against the homosexuality of Spongebob Squarepants, this latest stunt has many of Mr. Falwell's critics, and even some of his supporters, claiming that he has finally snapped. "The man's lost it," one high ranking supporter said on condition of anonymity. "I mean, we're just...

I'm gangsta. That's right, I said it. Gangsta. With an A. Not gangster. Not Al Capone. Not Italian. Gangsta. 50 Cent. Gangsta. Gangsta is perhaps the most misused word among people my age that I have ever heard. People just don't understand what it means, or how you have to use it. Am I gangsta? Clearly not, and yet, sadly enough, my previous usage of it was more correct than most, because at least I used the right context. There are two ways that people principally misuse the word ...

March 1, 2005 The Vatican Pope John Paul II shocked the Catholic world today when he lifted the Catholic Church's ancient ban on premarital sex. "We, as Catholics, are at a crossroad, where we must choose to embrace one evil so that it may help us strike down another," the Pope reportedly said. Although reporters could not make sense of the Pope's slurred mumbles, we were quickly reassured by one of his attendants. The Pope elaborated on his landmark decision for about an hour, ...

January 22, 2005 Washington, D.C. In light of recent, hastily made comments, Donald Rumsfeld has volunteered to open his world up for a day, hoping to dissuade the popular opinion that he is a crass and unfeeling old man, the likes of which chase little boys off their lawns for disturbing the garden trolls. Mr. Rumsfeld awoke at 9 in the morning, about an hour later than he should have, and shuffled to the dining room in quite a disheveled state. Being late, he did not have time to ...

I was at work the other night. When I am at work, I find it necessary to ask people whether or not they have a pink coupon in their posession. When I do this, I say the following sentence: "Do you have the pink coupon with you?" Last night, this was the response I received: "This blue one?" THE BLUE ONE?!? ARE YOU STUPID??? Yes, sir, the blue one. Do you have the BLUE PINK COUPON with you? I can understand if people are not aware that they are holding a coupon. Coupon...