I did something yesterday. After one and a half years of wandering aimlessly through the human wasteland that is a midwestern university's campus, I finally did something yesterday. Yesterday, I walked into a large, unstable looking building called University Hall. I stepped into the elevator looking to go to the 19th floor. I failed to notice that the elevator was on its way down. I went to the basement and remained in the elevator. The elevator returned to the first floor. The people ...

Due to the sad state of affairs that I witnessed today at a midwestern university's campus, I feel compelled to post a friendly reminder to everyone who may have forgotten the proper decorum for walking, despite the fact that they do it every day, unless they're monstrously fat, or lazy, or a quadraplegic, or some other business like that. 1) Neither I, nor any one else, is looking at your girlfriend. She's not that hot, and no one has any interest in checking out her ass. 2) Neither I, n...

Link Delegate John A. Cosgrove of Virginia has introduced a bill to the Virginia House of Delegates, proposing that the Code of Virginia be amended. The amendment would make it a crime for a woman who has a miscarriage to wait more than 12 hours before notifying authorities of the fact that she had a miscarriage. So my first question is, What kind of a moron is this man??? This idiot wants to make it a CLASS 1 MISDEMEANOR for a woman who has gone through not only the physical but excr...

It is months after the election. It is over. It has passed. The horse lost. The monkey won. WHY CAN'T ANYONE LET IT END??? If I have to hear anyone else make broad blanket statements about how evil conservatives are, or about how misguided liberals are, or about how stupid conservatives are, or about how presumptious conservatives are, or about how hillbilly conservatives are, or about how elitist liberals are, I am going to scream. If you absolutely have to, please comment on the ...

I was at work the other night. When I am at work, I find it necessary to ask people whether or not they have a pink coupon in their posession. When I do this, I say the following sentence: "Do you have the pink coupon with you?" Last night, this was the response I received: "This blue one?" THE BLUE ONE?!? ARE YOU STUPID??? Yes, sir, the blue one. Do you have the BLUE PINK COUPON with you? I can understand if people are not aware that they are holding a coupon. Coupon...

I was at work the other night. When I am at work, I find it necessary to ask people whether or not they have a pink coupon in their posession. When I do this, I say the following sentence: "Do you have the pink coupon with you?" Last night, this was the response I received: "This blue one?" THE BLUE ONE?!? ARE YOU STUPID??? Yes, sir, the blue one. Do you have the BLUE PINK COUPON with you? I can understand if people are not aware that they are holding a coupon. Coupon...

In a brief attempt to make this world better, I would like to suggest some reforms. Any and all Muslim individuals who wish to fly anywhere will have to thoroughly searched before boarding a plane. I'm sorry if this seems racist or intolerant, but let's face it, they are the ones who blow up airplanes. I mean, forget the fact that it is the small minority of crazed fundamentalists who blows up airplanes, because we cannot tell what they look like right away. Because of this small setback, ...

So it's Christmas 2004, a time to give, a time to rejoice, a time to take no prisoners. I enter the mall and am immediately surrounded by a throng of tiny human beings, running erratically and waving green bags while larger human beings chase after them yelling "Billy don't break grandma's blender." I do not know the woman, but already, I feel sorry for grandma. I have no time to continue thinking about grandma's plight however, as I am forced to sidestep the child that has ripped itsel...

So it's Christmas 2004, a time to give, a time to rejoice, a time to take no prisoners. I enter the mall and am immediately surrounded by a throng of tiny human beings, running erratically and waving green bags while larger human beings chase after them yelling "Billy don't break grandma's blender." I do not know the woman, but already, I feel sorry for grandma. I have no time to continue thinking about grandma's plight however, as I am forced to sidestep the child that has ripped itsel...

I was thinking about my childhood the other day, about my past in general, and I realized that I really cannot recall anything happening to me before I was about six years old. It seems clear enough that things did happen to me, my parents have the photo albums to prove it, but in this day and age, knowing what I do about technology, and being completely ignorant of my childhood, all of those photographs might as well have been Photoshopped. Look, there's me with daddy on a go kart, a...

So I'm starting a new project, and it has forced me to think about the nature of the self. What is the self? Is it body, mind, or soul? Is it a combination of the three? Or maybe just two of the three. I would love to hear any thoughts.

Link An art show in New York has been shut down because of a portrait of President Bush that is comprised of monkeys. Let us not discuss that the gallery was private and has the right to exclude anything that it considers offensive. That is all fine and good. Take the piece down, though, not the whole show!!! There were many more artists who worked hard on their pieces that have now lost exposure because some idiot thinks its offensive to create a likeness of the president out of mon...

I am enjoying the 5 PM news here, and I see a lovely video clip of President Bush talking about how he is overweight. He uttered two sentences, one which said that he was a bit overweight, and one which said he fully intended to trim some inches off his waistline. These two sentences took a full minute to deliver, as the words had to struggle their way through the nervous staring and idiotic grinning that our president seems to require whenever he speaks. Either way, I just think it wo...

YOU GO TO WAR WITH THE ARMY YOU HAVE??? ARE YOU FRIEKING KIDDING??? Q-Why don't we have enough armor? A-You go to war with the army you have. Hypothetically: Q-Why did we go to war with no guns and tri-corner hats made out of last Sunday's sports section? A-You go to war with the army you have. Q-Why did we go to war with nothing but swiss army knives and camouflaged Schwinns from 1983? A-You go to war with the army you have. Q-Why did we go to war with pop guns, broken beer...

It has finally happened. Sophomore year, semester one, has finally ended. A recap: 9 AM (Monday, Wednesday) I sit motionless in a lecture hall, listening to a fascinating speech about sociology. It is when I am writing sentences like the previous one that I truly wish computers had a sarcasm button. Anyways, sociology has got to be my least favorite subject to hear about. It's not that it is difficult, it's that the whole damn thing should be renamed Stating the Obvious 101. My textbook h...