Coming into this week, I expected my first posting to be nothing more than an inane and boring introduction. As luck would have it, however, the hands of fate have provided me with the opportunity to witness one of the most annoying instances of vehicular idiosyncrasy that I have ever seen. I was driving around my block, vainly hoping (stupid, I know) that there would be a parking space within walking distance of my front door. For those of you that do not live in my neighborhood, let me p...

It seems that my "Boy Scout" article has created quite a stir, and although I will continue to bring up serious matters, I think it is time that I reminded all of us why this is called "Absurdity in Action." On Tuesday of last week, I awoke at nine in the morning, got on the el and set off for another productive day at school. Except that the class I have at ten in the morning on Tuesdays is Earth Sciences. I understand that, at this point, there is nothing uncharacteristicly strange about...

http://www.hosstyle.com/Goofy%20shit/images/godkills.jpg Please click on the link. I promise it is the funniest thing on the face of this planet. Well, honestly...one of two things have to happen. We either stop masturbating...or petition God to kill something else when we do.

so does this work yet?

Political differences aside, the one thing everyone in this nation must agree on is that we have brave men and women risking their lives for us overseas. They need our love, our support, and the knowledge that we are behind them. I don't know how well-known this is, but I found out about it last night and definitely think it is worth repeating. www.anysoldier.com This is an effort to get care packages to soldiers who, for one reason or another, are not getting much mail while they are o...

Let me start by saying that I enjoy your postings and I respect your ability to get your particular point of view across without attacking individuals or degrading them or appearing mean spirited etc. and so on... But anyways I'm just curious about something. I wrote an article about the Boy Scouts of America and a particular chapter's decision to kick out a retarded boy. You took the time to read it and respond and I thank you for that. Your response was a question about whether or not...

I did something yesterday. After one and a half years of wandering aimlessly through the human wasteland that is a midwestern university's campus, I finally did something yesterday. Yesterday, I walked into a large, unstable looking building called University Hall. I stepped into the elevator looking to go to the 19th floor. I failed to notice that the elevator was on its way down. I went to the basement and remained in the elevator. The elevator returned to the first floor. The people ...

Due to the sad state of affairs that I witnessed today at a midwestern university's campus, I feel compelled to post a friendly reminder to everyone who may have forgotten the proper decorum for walking, despite the fact that they do it every day, unless they're monstrously fat, or lazy, or a quadraplegic, or some other business like that. 1) Neither I, nor any one else, is looking at your girlfriend. She's not that hot, and no one has any interest in checking out her ass. 2) Neither I, n...

It is months after the election. It is over. It has passed. The horse lost. The monkey won. WHY CAN'T ANYONE LET IT END??? If I have to hear anyone else make broad blanket statements about how evil conservatives are, or about how misguided liberals are, or about how stupid conservatives are, or about how presumptious conservatives are, or about how hillbilly conservatives are, or about how elitist liberals are, I am going to scream. If you absolutely have to, please comment on the ...

In a brief attempt to make this world better, I would like to suggest some reforms. Any and all Muslim individuals who wish to fly anywhere will have to thoroughly searched before boarding a plane. I'm sorry if this seems racist or intolerant, but let's face it, they are the ones who blow up airplanes. I mean, forget the fact that it is the small minority of crazed fundamentalists who blows up airplanes, because we cannot tell what they look like right away. Because of this small setback, ...

I was thinking about my childhood the other day, about my past in general, and I realized that I really cannot recall anything happening to me before I was about six years old. It seems clear enough that things did happen to me, my parents have the photo albums to prove it, but in this day and age, knowing what I do about technology, and being completely ignorant of my childhood, all of those photographs might as well have been Photoshopped. Look, there's me with daddy on a go kart, a...

It has finally happened. Sophomore year, semester one, has finally ended. A recap: 9 AM (Monday, Wednesday) I sit motionless in a lecture hall, listening to a fascinating speech about sociology. It is when I am writing sentences like the previous one that I truly wish computers had a sarcasm button. Anyways, sociology has got to be my least favorite subject to hear about. It's not that it is difficult, it's that the whole damn thing should be renamed Stating the Obvious 101. My textbook h...

Alright, so this one's more for the women, but all comments are welcome. It seems that every female that I speak to finds Carson Daly incredibly, fantastically, magnetically appealing. They like his "personality" and they like his looks. They like him! I can't even begin to start convincing myself to think that maybe this man is attractive in some way. Not only do I find him visually average, I don't even see why he has a career. If there is marketable talent somewhere in him, it is hid...

I am not perfect. Sometimes, I make mistakes. Yesterday, I made a mistake. I thought about sleeping. It was shortly after I had woken up. For some reason, it just popped into my head. I thought, hmm, I've been asleep for the past 6 hours. I don't know what happened in those 6 hours. I don't remember the moment falling asleep. I can't even remember why I woke up. How did I wake up? I don't know about you, but voluntarily detaching myself from the planet for 5-8 hours a night is somewhat...