If Jerry Falwell Snapped...
Tuesday, March 8 2005
Chicago, IL
Jerry Falwell has begun pushing an initiative to eliminate the presence of sponges and Brillo Pads from American homes. Coming on the heels of, and indeed inspired by his crusade against the homosexuality of Spongebob Squarepants, this latest stunt has many of Mr. Falwell's critics, and even some of his supporters, claiming that he has finally snapped.
"The man's lost it," one high ranking supporter said on condition of anonymity. "I mean, we're just waiting for him to come out and say that Jesus is gay. You know its just a matter of time. We can all see it coming."
When asked why none of the members of Falwell's group spoke up against their leaders new zealotry, he responded, "What, and get called a homo? No one's going to risk that. He may be an idiot, but look how far McCarthy got. I don't want any part of that."
Jerry Falwell is an extremely busy man, and although a face to face meeting proved impossible, we did manage to speak with him on the phone. We asked him to explain his recent crusade, and why he feels so strongly about it.
"Well, the sponge thing is pretty obvious," Falwell remarked. "The damn things are clearly made in the image of the flamboyantly gay Spongebob Squarepants, and they are just one more way for the big TV networks to bring immorality into our living rooms. In this case, they have teamed up with corporate America to reaffirm their support of homosexuality on two fronts: Hook the kids with the TV show, then have the kids go into the kitchen and see Mommy using a sponge, and all of a sudden, click, a lightbulb in their mind, Mommy uses a sponge, so sponges are ok, so the sponge on TV is ok, so homosexuality is ok, so I'm going to be a homosexual because I want to be ok like the sponge on TV."
When informed that Spongebob Squarepants came into existence long after sponges were introduced as a standard cleaning product, he chuckled and said "The Devil works in mysterious ways."
We then asked Falwell about his opposition to Brillo Pads, which we feel remain the best way to handle stubborn, stuck-on grease.
"Of course the Brillo Pad is immoral," began Falwell. "What happens when you use a Brillo Pad? It gets worn. And what does a worn Brillo Pad look like? Like a base from which protrudes wiry, stiff fibers. And what else is wiry and stiff? Pubic hair. And do you throw Brillo Pads out when they reach this point? No. You keep using them. So then, you are encouraging children to vigorously rub a soapy clump of pubic hair. Does that seem right to you?"
Falwell then went on to add, "And you know what's often found near pubic hair? Genitalia." It then sounded like Falwell sat back with a satisfied groan.
We thanked Falwell and tried to get off the phone.
"Sure thing," Falwell concluded. "Anything I can do to spread the word. Honestly, this stuff is so simple, I'm amazed nobody can see it but me."