How Easy It is to Rip One's Penis

Published on September 14, 2005 By philomedy In Misc

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Alright, so this just caught my eye as I was busy killing the three hours between my classes, and trying to put off a much-anticipated showdown with the accounts receivable department of the particular institution I attend. It seems especially fitting since my first soccer game of the new fall season is tonight at 6:30.

(I'd ask you to wish me luck, but we're playing a team from the Pharmacy School. We being a contingent known as IFC, or Internationale Football Club, made up of members from Argentina, Colombia, Mexico, El Salvador, Spain, Latvia, Nigeria, Iraq, Italy, and the United States, as well as some others which I'm sure I've forgotten. As I said, the team we are playing is from the Pharmacy School. If you're going to wish luck, I ask in all sincerity that you send it their way, for we will fall upon them like starving barbarians on a wayward pack of mostly injured gazelle. But I digress.)

I am, as I said, looking to kill some time, and I happened on this story. It appears that Chavdar Yankow, who plays professionally in Europe, was tackled during a game. No biggie. Except the tackle happened to rip his penis open. Opened a 3-inch gash. 3 INCHES!!! Now, I believe that the average penis size for men is 6 inches, roughly twice the length of said gash. I would, at this moment, like everyone to perform an exercise in order to more fully understand the gravity of the situation.

Those of you among my readers who happen to be male, I would like you to drop your pants, and any underwear you may be wearing, and look at your penis. As I am assuming that everyone is average, I would now like you to imagine it ripped open for half of its length, starting at either the base or the tip, I'm really not picky, as either way should be rather excruciating for you to even think about. For my readers who happen to be female, I'd like you to journey to your local penis and then attempt the exercise exactly as I have delineated it above.

For those of you females unsure of how to approach a penis to request what may seem to be an "odd" experiment, I suggest you take the following action: Approach the owner of the penis and say "I want to see your penis." Ali Baba could not find a better magic phrase.

Now that we've all become acquainted with the true gravity of the situation, I would like to further mention that said soccer player who got his penis ripped open promptly proceeded to get himself stitched up. He then returned to the field, where he scored (the only scoring he'll do for awhile) for his side in a 2-0 victory. This just brought to my mind the wrongly held stereotype that soccer is a safe and courteous sport (hooliganism notwithstanding). To proponents of this theory, I hold up this story as a bright and shining middle finger of truth. And I suggest a new marketing slogan for American soccer, one that is sure to rile up public support amongst a nation of fans that flock to the much-padded violence of American football:

"Soccer: You can rip our penis open, but we still manage to score."

Amen.

Comments (Page 1)

Toblerone

on Sep 14, 2005

Eye. Watering.

Owch...

Moderateman

on Sep 14, 2005

owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................

Cordelia

on Sep 14, 2005

"I want to see your penis." Ali Baba could not find a better magic phrase.

...I hold up this story as a bright and shining middle finger of truth.

You are hilarious. I assume, of course, that I am only laughing because I am female and have not yet taken it upon myself to perform the task you set me.

Texas Wahine

on Sep 14, 2005

I have given birth to two children. Both times I required stitches to sew up the traumas to my "birthing region". Hehe, I don't think it's quite fair to hold up the male penis as some sort of specially sensitive area that women just cannot understand (not saying that you have done that, but it's a pretty common sentiment).

There's a woman somewhere getting stitches down below as I type this. We don't have to look at a penis to understand this. I promise.

Witty article, btw.

Dr Guy

on Sep 14, 2005

Tex, if you only knew! Ouch! What a footballer! That is dedication!

KarmaGirl

on Sep 14, 2005

Opened a 3-inch gash. 3 INCHES!!! Now, I believe that the average penis size for men is 6 inches, roughly twice the length of said gash.

You assume the gash was straight. What if it actually spirals around instead? Think of somebody grabbing really hard and pulling having the skin tear in the process.

There...I think I was able to make the imagery worse...my work here is done......

lemonlime

on Sep 14, 2005

hmm...can I see your penis?

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

You are hilarious. I assume, of course, that I am only laughing because I am female and have not yet taken it upon myself to perform the task you set me

If only you knew what excruciating sentiments the mere thought of something like this happening to a penis makes every man in the world feel...

And thank you, your kind words are much appreciated.

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

My apologies if I've come off as sexo-centric here

I know you're not accusing me of such, but still I want to throw that in there for anyone who might.

To be completely honest, I'm a very "stream of consciousness" type writer, and at the moment that I wrote this, I was not so much thinking of whether or not a woman's anatomy could adequately prepare her to understand this type of predicament or pain, as much as I was thinking that "journey to your local penis" was a freaking hilarious phrase that I had to somehow get in the article.

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

What a footballer! That is dedication!

I sit here thinking...hmm...perhaps it's a good thing I didn't become a pro at this...

You assume the gash was straight. What if it actually spirals around instead? Think of somebody grabbing really hard and pulling having the skin tear in the process.

There...I think I was able to make the imagery worse...my work here is done......

You've obviously thought long and hard (hehehe, get it? Long and hard? Oh yeah) about how to mangle a penis

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

hmm...can I see your penis?

Anytime

Although I don't know if I want to compete with Myspace Penis Guy

(no one else is gonna get that lol)

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

Eye. Watering.

Owch...

owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................

Tex, if you only knew! Ouch!

I will be holding a candlelight vigil for Chavdar Yankow's penis later tonight. All are welcome to attend.

lemonlime

on Sep 14, 2005

Although I don't know if I want to compete with Myspace Penis Guy

hahaha, yea I don't blame you there. He is quite confident about his little guy.

(no one else is gonna get that lol)

lol. eh, it's okay. I'm sure no one is all that interested.

philomedy

on Sep 14, 2005

hahaha, yea I don't blame you there. He is quite confident about his little guy.

lol hey...I am too...he can move mountains...

lol. eh, it's okay. I'm sure no one is all that interested.

And even if they are, we won't tell them! It's our inside joke!

lemonlime

on Sep 14, 2005

lol hey...I am too...he can move mountains...

ahahahahahahaha!!!! Really? Can he now? That's quite a talent. How long did it take you to teach him that?

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