Now that you're all here...
Let me go ahead and say, first and foremost, that this article is not about the president's speech last night, because I did not watch the president's speech last night. The title was simply a brilliant little ploy on my part to get you all here. As I write this, however, I can't help but make one little point about the speech, the contents of which I've managed to gather from various front page headlines:
Was everyone really that shocked that the man is still connecting 9/11 to Iraq? Come on, folks, if he wasn't convinced a year ago, he's not gonna be convinced now. He who does not want to see the truth will be forever blind, no matter how many people put that magnifying glass in front of his face. That being said, I don't see what the hell everyone's problem was with what he said...but then again I don't see why everyone's panties got all bunched up over what Karl Rove or Dick Durbin said either.
Anyways, this article is not about the speech, because as I mentioned, I did not watch the speech. The problem is that I could not watch anything else either. That is because all, I repeat, ALL of the major networks (and even some of the minor ones) had the damn speech on!!! CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, FOX, and Univision all had the damn speech on at the same damn time!!!
WHY??? WHY??? FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET ALL FORGIVING CHRIST, WHY?????
I was reduced to having to watch one of four things: A rerun of Julia Child, a rerun of Bewitched, All Of Us on UPN, or some third-rate Rambo wannabe thing on the Spanish channel. If you don't speak Spanish, eliminate the last choice from the list, and accept my deepest condolences, as you were obviously worse off than me.
Now, let me explain what was wrong with the situation last night. Julia Child, for all her culinary talent, was, (God bless her soul) a beast of a woman. She was built like a linebacker. She frightens me. If I woke up and saw her shadow on my wall, I would assume Dr. Frankenstein had rented the spare space in the cellar and spawned something. Add all that to the fact that she moves about as quickly as Cool Whip, and you will see why her show completely fails to hold my attention.
Bewitched is a sitcom. That in itself is unacceptable, unless the sitcom was created during the period of time between 1992 and 1999 when sitcoms were any good. Anything created outside of the timetable is worthless and not worthy of my time. For examples on both ends of the spectrum, see the aforementioned Bewitched (pre-1992) or Coupling (post-1999). For clarification, that is the American Coupling, not the British one. The British, I'm happy to report, still know what the word funny means.
So we move on to All Of Us, a sitcom on UPN. I think this one explains itself.
So now, I am left watching bad Rambo in Spanish with a cast of the same 8 actors that appear in every Goddamn weak spin-off movie to be filmed in Spanish. Lovely.
So, then, on to the point. Here is what I propose: Make this like the Super Bowl, or the NBA finals, or any other major sporting event. All of the networks are obviously clamoring for these political event ratings, so let them bid on the rights to broadcast political speeches exclusively. You put up the cash, you get 100% of the viewership, you collect on 100% of the advertising, capitalism works, and I don't have to tear my hair out while listening to Juan Rambo bitch about how he didn't get any "respeto" after coming back from Vietnam. (THE DAMN MOVIE WAS SET IN MEXICO!!! WHY WOULD HE HAVE COME BACK TO MEXICO FROM VIETNAM!?!?!)
Anyways, I think that my proposal provides a happy solution for everyone. Y'all can watch the speech, and as long as NBC doesn't win the bidding wars, I can sit down to enjoy Who Wants To Be A Hilton.
That is all.